'I lost my identity as a carer when my dad died'

When Lucia Dedear's dad was diagnosed with vascular dementia, she moved back to Gloucestershire after 23 years in Australia to care for him. But having given up her job to care for him, when he died, she felt a "loss of identity".

When she met Debi Rice, who lost her husband in April to cancer after five years of looking after him, they bonded over their experiences and the lack of support for former carers.

Debi said: "It hits you for six, really, because you get up the next day and there's nothing. It's very, very difficult."

Lucia, 70, gave up her job and returned to Hempstead in Gloucester in 2008, initially with her daughter, before her husband returned too.

Because she had been away from her home county for more than two decades, she felt "really quite isolated".

"It was difficult," she added. "You're caring 24/7, and lots of things happen in the night. My family - even with three of us - we got to a point where we couldn't have him [her father] at home."

Lucia said that when the caring came to an end, "it was weird".

"Not only are you getting over the grief of your parent, but you suddenly realise you no longer have parents. Because I'd been caring for him, it was even harder - the loss," she said.

"When you lose that identity as a carer, it's almost like 'oh well, who am I now and where do I go to from here?'."

Debi, 70, lives in Tuffley in Gloucester. She cared for her husband, Vic, initially due to his heart issues, and then with his cancer diagnosis until his death in April.

"It was extremely difficult. The last couple of weeks of his life were very, very difficult. I had terrible times trying to get him from the bed to the chair in the lounge, and going to the bathroom, and all sorts of things," she said.

"I did have support from district and community nurses. But because I was on my own, I was faced with a lot of things I struggled with, to be honest.

"We were together for 38 years altogether. We were kind of joined at the hip, really."

Debi said the loss of Vic, coupled with the absence of carers coming in to help her, has been a "shock".

She said: "You're grieving for the loss of that person. You're grieving because caring basically becomes your identity."

Lucia and Debi met recently at a running club set up by NHS Health and Hustle, which organises active events across the county.

Lucia said: "We were talking about how very little is spoken about former carers, and how they struggle after their caring role is done."

She recently attended a former carers support group online called Care for a Cuppa, run by national charity Carers UK,

"I brought up the issue [with Carers UK] that there are former carers that are struggling out there with the loss of their role, identity and also for carers who are working but gave up their job and are wondering how to get back into the workforce," she said.

Debi said she will join future Care for a Cuppa events.

"I think if Carers UK do this for former carers, because you're kind of lost - I think that would be really useful," she said.

"Because then the carers who are caring now know that they've got some support later on, and I think that's really important."

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