If you're to achieve Jacko's mid-'90s look pictured here then you'll
need a fully qualified plastic surgeon to mould your nose into a small
mushroomed button. If however you haven't budgeted for a skin graft
this Christmas then purchase a nose from any joke shop or use one
of those cheap plastic things that fall out of a pack of cereals.
As you can see in this pic, by this stage of his career Jacko was
cocking a snook to his critics, so you'll have to adopt a high pitched
squeal and plenty of atti-tood at your Christmas party. Remember to
accuse the record business of racism and tell people why you think
Sony boss Tommy Mottola is the devil. Although he's unlikely to turn
up to a cheese and wine Christmas gathering in East Croydon...
Jacko's glittering, spacesuit garb can only be found at a theatrical
dress shop, likewise the bullet belt slung jauntily over the shoulder
but the bandaged arm can be replicated with any cheap, first aid
gauze you have lying around the house. Some sequined trousers would
also be advisable to complement the jacket and some thick silver
toweling socks and a pair of shiny, wet-look loafers to facilitate
your moonwalk across the kitchen for a refill and a packet of crisps.
You have learnt how to moonwalk haven't you? It'll be a fabulous
party piece. What else? Well, some heavy eyeliner and a cheap perm
wouldnt go amiss. But best to leave the oxygen tent at home
although the chimp could prove a hit with the ladies and a great
opening gambit in conversation. Just make sure he doesn't get drunk.
And best not to grab your crotch at any time during the evening
and yell "shamone!"
Probably best to get a cab to the party dressed like this. A ride
on the bus could prove fraught with danger. If a bunch of louts are
verbally assaulting you on your bus journey, reassure yourself by
uttering the mantra... "Who's bad?"
Are you alright dear? Im worried. Youre walking backwards.
And is that chimp a present from your friends at work? Because he
ruined most of the my good china earlier
Abba
Pusscycat dresses for the girls. Platforms for the boys.
Adam Ant Stand & deliver!
Be a real prince charming with this look.
David Bowie Fancy going all
Ziggy Stardust? Spandex and makeup to the ready.
Human League Lopsided haircuts
for the boys and shocking eye makeup for the girls.
Michael Jackson Shamone! How to
achieve this look without cutting of your nose.
Madonna If there's a look,
Madonna's had it. We recommend the Blond Ambition style.
MC Hammer This man certainly
had a distinctive look. Whether you want to copy it is up
to you!
Pepsi & Shirley Puffball skirts,
pettycoats and knee-high socks.
Shakin Stevens Comb up that quiff,
put on the crepe-souled shoes and don a pink jacket.
Slade Whether you wanna
be Dave Hill or Noddy Holder, you'll look crazee like this.
Spandau Ballet To cut a long story
short, this smoothie style has got to be gold.
Spice Girls Sporty, Ginger, Baby,
Scary and Posh. We got the tips for the ladies.
Wham! Even if you don't
want to adopt the Wham! look, the pictures are worth a laugh.
