4. Spaceman

 

2.4 – SPACEMAN

by Karissa Hamilton-Baines

 

FX: BBC Sounds Sting

 

ANNO                  Doctor Who: Redacted, Episode Four. Spaceman by Karissa Hamilton-Baines.

 

SCENE 4.1 – EXT. LONDON UNDERGROUND

 

 

[ REPRISE ]

 

 

HONOUR:          …He’s a thief. Not just any ordinary thief either. A master thief of rare artworks and antiquities... and he’s promised to steal me a TARDIS.

 

FX – a scuffle. Honour cries out.

 

APEX                 (EFFORT) I’ll take that. HONOUR  Stop! Drone, kill him!

APEX                 Cleo, I’ve got the serum, hold on to me.

 

 

CLEO                 What? Why?...

 

FX:     He grabs her.

 

 

CLEO                 Hey!

 

 

HONOUR           Don’t you dare!

 

FX:     Sounds of a teleporter as Apex gets them out of there.

SCENE 4.2 – INT. APEX’S SHIP

 

FX: Sounds of a teleporter, then silence. We’re in a cavernous space, save for the subtle whirr of machinery.

 

 

CLEO                 What was that? Where are we? What just happened? How...?

Why…? Have we teleported? Did I just teleport? What the hell?!

APEX                 Yes, sorry I couldn’t give you more of a warning. I had to get the serum off her…

FX – we hear a hiss as he administers the anti-trion serum.

 

APEX                 There. That ought to kick in right away. [BEAT] Cleo? Are you OK?

 

CLEO                 I am so not OK. [BEAT] Who are you, really?

 

APEX                 My name is Apex Costa. Most of what I’ve told you is the truth.

 

CLEO                 Er most? She said you was a thief! You’ve spent all day lying to me and now you’ve transported me to god knows where and I’m starting to realise I’ve only known you for a day and I’m about to become a true crime podcast!

(Beat) Hold on.

 

FX:     Cleo walks around, her shoes echo on the metal floor.

 

CLEO                 This is a… Am I on a..?

 

 

APEX                 You’re in my ship… ICBA Model 9 Class 756. CLEO Catchy name.

APEX                 I didn’t get to name it.

CLEO                 Do these, window grate things, do they open? APEX     You bet they do.

 

FX:     He presses a button and there’s a creaky but loud whirr as the spectacle of space is revealed to Cleo.

 

CLEO                 OH. MY. GOD. (WONDER) I’m in space. Actual space. I am in SPACE. This is insane. I’m literally hovering above the Earth. I need to sit down, my legs feel weird.

 

She takes it in.

 

CLEO                 It’s [BEAT] beautiful. It’s almost like we haven’t completely ruined it.

 

APEX                 (SOFT) Everything is beautiful out here.

 

CLEO                 You lied to me. [BEAT] I can’t believe I fell for a nice smile. APEX You think I have a nice smile?

CLEO                 Enough! No more flirting!

 

 

APEX                 Am I flirting?

 

 

CLEO                 So help me, god. Tell me the truth right now or I swear I’ll put my size nines right through that window and blast us both into space.

SCENE 4.3 – INT/EXT. APEX MONTAGE

 

FX:     We hear music, but unlike the intro previously (Ep 2.2) this is more Oceans 11.

 

 

APEX                 Welcome to the life of an ICBA reject. I wasn’t lying about my father and my father’s father. I was expected to wake up every morning and go to the same tedious civil service job they do every day, do the same thing over and over and over until eventually I turn to dust. I said no thanks to that mess and went my own way.

 

FX:     Sounds of glasses clinking, people mingling.

 

 

APEX                 I wanted the high life, but that life isn’t cheap. Especially when your prissy, miserable family cut you off for skipping out on the family business. So, I had to make money, I tried gambling…

 

FX:     Sounds of a crowd, people betting.

 

 

COMMENTATOR      ….And in the red corner Bildermerge the Magnificent up against Hostile 17, favourite to win and Bildermerge comes in with the flobule attack.

 

FX:     A glutinous sound and a yelp. We hear the crowd’s disappointment.

 

 

COMMENTATOR      That’s all folks! Bildermerge the Magnificent wins. Hope no one bet on the other guy.

 

APEX                 Wasn’t so great at that. So I tried trading Omega Credits but for some reason every 100 credits I spent I only got 95 back.

 

CLEO                 Sounds like someone got into Bitcoin.

APEX                 No, no Omega Credits is imaginary money. CLEO     Right, completely different.

APEX                 I was a failure. A broke failure.

 

 

CLEO                 What about all those alien refugees? Did you lie about saving them.

 

APEX                 No. I didn’t lie about that. My family are experts in Rare Life Forms. And I used my knowledge to find them and relocate them to the Underground on this ship. I’m not a total slime.

 

CLEO                 So you relocated them for free?

 

 

APEX                 Er well…

 

 

CLEO                 Right.

 

 

APEX                 Just covering expenses. I swear.

 

 

CLEO                 Sure. And so you gave the landlord a captive market where she could drive the rents sky high, right?

 

APEX                 Cleo…

 

 

CLEO                 Oh. My. God. You’re a people trafficker.

SCENE 4.4 –EXT. SINGH’S CASH AND CARRY

 

FX                      Sounds of traffic as Abby and Shawna walk through the streets.

CLEO VOICEMAIL    Hi, this is Cleo, don’t leave me a message, it’s 2023. ABBY        She’s still not picking up. I’ll just text her (muttering) we’re at

Singh’s Cash and Carry. Call… me… when… you… get…this.

 

 

SHAWNA           Why do you do that?

 

 

ABBY                 So Cleo knows where we are…

 

 

SHAWNA           I’m telling you, she’s ghosting us. She’s miffed about the convention.

 

ABBY                 Anyway. Done. Shall we get started?

 

FX                     Abby starts recording the podcast.

 

SHAWNA           Hey there Blue Boxers, we’re recording this Blue Box File on location. The Glamorous….

 

ABBY                 Mr Singh’s Cash And Carry on Oxford Street. SHAWNA     Oxford Street, Glasgow.

ABBY                 Because, earlier tonight we found Torchwood. The biggest depository of Alien Stuff in existence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SHANWA           And it’s been cleared out. There’s a thief looking for alien

artefacts – and we wondered if Torchwood are the only victims in the area.

 

ABBY                  So. A few months ago Rani Chandra did an episode on her podcast –

 

SHAWNA           Competition is healthy. We lift each other up. Shine theory.

 

 

ABBY                 Rani did an episode about the Alien Black Market. And one of the places she mentioned was Mr Singh’s.

 

SHAWNA           So, have they had a recent break in? Turns out, yesterday.

Taped to the window – A Reward Offered poster with a terrible screengrab from CCTV. Is that our thief?

 

ABBY                 We’re going to find out.

SCENE 4.5 INT. CASH AND CARRY.

 

FX: Doors swoosh open. SOFT MUSAK – CHECKOUT BEEP. They walk through the aisles.

 

 

 

SHAWNA           Maybe we’ve got the wrong address. It’s just rows and rows of cat food.

 

FX: Picking something up.

 

SHAWNA           This one says Aroma of Mushroom. What does that even mean? Do cats eat mushrooms?

 

ABBY                 Yes, let’s give up before we’ve actually had a proper look. If someone is dealing in alien goods here, do you think they’d put out a sign? We’ll go row by row systematically until we find some sort of clue. There has to be something here.

 

SHAWNA           Or we can just ask someone. Excuse me sir?

 

FX: As a shop worker pushes a trolley past.

 

 

ABBY                 Shawna!

 

 

SHAWNA           (CALLING OUT) Excuse me! Can I speak to someone about the robbery?

 

She holds out her phone.

 

 

SHOP WORKER       Seafood is on aisle six miss.

SHAWNA           (CONFUSED) No I’m asking about the break-in you’ve had. SHOP WORKER                  Seafood is on aisle six miss. Excuse me.

FX: The shop worker distressed, pushes the trolley on.

 

SHAWNA           Did that make any sense to you?

ABBY                 It was a code. What we’re looking for is on aisle six. SHAWNA   What does seafood have to do with it?

 

FX: They walk over to aisle six. The other customers that were there before have all gone. Abby and Shawna are alone. In fact the space seems bigger now. There’s a slight echo to Abby and Shawna’s voices.

 

 

ABBY                 The energy just changed in here. SHAWNA   Yeah, it’s all got a bit Ghost Hunters. ABBY   This is aisle six.

SHAWNA           (freaked out) All of a sudden, I really don’t want to go down there.

 

ABBY                 (also freaked out) I thought it was just me.

 

 

SHAWNA           (unconvincingly) Seriously what’s the big whoop, it’s just another aisle of cat food… wait cat food again?

 

ABBY                 It’s the same aisle as the entrance.

 

 

SHAWNA           Can’t be.

 

 

ABBY                 Do you have to disagree with everything I say.

 

 

SHAWNA           I’m not disagreeing I’m just expressing disbelief. Not everything is ominous. It’s the dishwasher all over again.

FX: They start walking down the spooky aisle.

 

 

ABBY                 You can’t just put things anywhere you want in there. They have the sections and compartments for a reason.

 

SHAWNA           It all gets washed at the same time anyway!

 

 

ABBY                 Okay once again, if you put plastic stuff at the bottom of the dishwasher the heat causes chemicals to come from it that are harmful. You might not notice it now but if you suddenly get cancer cause you couldn’t be bothered to lift your arm ten centimetres…

 

FX: Shawna’s not listening. While Abby’s holding forth, there’s a soft buzzing sound far away.

 

SHAWNA            (INTERRUPTING) Do you see that…? There was a guy standing there, he reached up to grab a tin of cat food and then he just vanished.

 

ABBY                 What man? There’s no one there.

SCENE 4.6 – INT. APEX’S SHIP

 

 

 

CLEO                 Apex, you grabbed a load of alien refugees, charged them a fortune to lug them through space on this crate then dumped them into the hands of a slum landlord.

 

APEX                 Put it like that it sounds bad.

 

 

CLEO                 How would you put it?

 

 

APEX                 I needed funds to get the ship. That’s how I came across Honour. She loaned me the money, offered to help, seemed really interested in the set-up of the London Underground-

 

CLEO                 - and muscled in, took it over, and milked it for all it was worth.

 

 

APEX                 I thought I was doing good. And, you know, settling my debts.

But it turned out the refugees couldn’t make the rent and I’d signed a bit of paper saying I was technically responsible-

 

CLEO                 Technically.

 

 

APEX                 Honour’s a collector. So, in order to clear my debts to her…. I told her that I could get her a TARDIS.

 

CLEO                 Why would she believe you?

 

 

APEX                 I had an advantage. Remember my family? Who I’m a great disappointment to? They look after Rare Species – but they specialise in Time Lords. I figured how hard could it be? The Time Lords wouldn’t miss a TARDIS.

 

CLEO                 Wait. The Doctor’s the Last of the Time Lords.

 

APEX                 Yeah. That’s a problem. I didn’t realise the Time Lords had all gone. I tried offering her something else-

 

CLEO                 But when she realised there was only one TARDIS left, she only wanted it more. You idiot.

 

APEX                 Yeahhhh.

 

 

CLEO                 All this time, you were using me, hoping the Doctor would show up.

 

APEX                 It’s not like that.

 

 

CLEO                Do you even – like [me], you know what– of course you don’t.

 

APEX                 What?

CLEO                 Never mind. Nothing.

 

 

APEX                 I’m really sorry I dragged you into this. But I am glad I met you, Cleo. Really. As in. I do like you.

 

CLEO                 Fine. (DECIDES) How are we going to clear up your mess? APEX    We?

CLEO                 We. If we go back to Earth, Honour’s drones will find us… APEX   and kill us yeah.

CLEO                 So how do we stop her?

 

APEX                 We’ve only really got two options really.

 

CLEO                 Well what’s the first?

 

 

APEX                 We run. Together. Anywhere. We’ve got the whole universe to play with.

 

 

Cleo chuckles, she starts laughing.

 

APEX                 What’s so funny?

 

 

CLEO                 Last year those words were all I wanted to hear. APEX        So let’s go!

CLEO                 Massive adventures in space and time. But the Doctor didn’t ask me.

 

APEX                 The Doctor’s loss. You’re smart, you’re funny, you can handle yourself in a fight. Let’s just go.

 

CLEO                 [SARCASM] Yeah, sure thing, let’s chart strange new worlds.

 

 

APEX                 I’m not joking. The ICBA Model 9 Class 756 has seen better days but I’m pretty sure she’ll limp us to a service station.

 

CLEO                 Please, can we give it a better name?

 

 

APEX                 What would you name it?

 

 

CLEO                 The…Lily Savage

 

 

APEX                 Does that mean you’re coming with me?.

FX: Cleo walks over to the window.

 

CLEO                 Earth looks so quiet from up here. It’s my home.

 

 

APEX                 Is it? Fly away with me. What do you have to stay for, really?

SCENE 4.7 – INT. SINGHS’ CASH & CARRY – THE WEIRD AISLE

 

FX:                    Footsteps as Abby and Shawna walk up and down the aisle.

 

 

SHAWNA           I’m serious. I saw a man, reaching for a tin of cat food and then pooft… gone.

 

ABBY                 Where did you see him?

 

 

SHAWNA           Round about here. [BEAT] And was he reaching up like thi…

 

FX:                    Shawna is suddenly cut off.

 

 

ABBY                 Shawna? (urgently) Where did you go? Shawna!

 

Silence… Shawna has disappeared.

SCENE 4.8 – INT. APEX’S SHIP

 

Cleo and Apex still on the spaceship. Apex working away with instruments. Bloop!

 

APEX                 There. Mended your phone.

 

CLEO                 (TAKING IT) Ok, thank you?

 

APEX                 You seemed lost without it. Your friends will be worried.

We have good reception in orbit.

 

 

CLEO                 OK, this is purely hypothetical. If we did a runner at Warp Factor 10. Where are we going first?

 

APEX                 A pal of mine runs a table on the edge of a black hole, he can read minds, but he’s never met someone from Sol 3, bet we could win some major coin.

 

CLEO                 Now you sound super sketch… again.

 

 

APEX                 Got it. No gambling.

 

 

CLEO                 This is nuts. Hold on.

 

 

 

FX                     She opens camera on her phone.

 

 

APEX                 What are you doing?

CLEO                 Taking a selfie on a spaceship. Smile. Not like that. APEX    (FORCED GRIN) Like this?

CLEO                 Better.

 

 

APEX                 (STILL GURNING) What’s a selfie?

 

 

 

FX                     Shutter Click. Tap tap.

 

 

CLEO                 Well, my friend, the purpose is twofold. One: Abby and Shawna are gonna be jealous and two, it’s a way to make sure I don’t come to any harm in your presence. Trans dating 101.

 

APEX                 Wow. OK. That’s, that’s bleak.

 

 

CLEO                 Babe you have no idea. Oh my god I have four bars, I never have four bars. Abby and Shawna are gonna lose their minds…

 

FX                     Woop – message send.

 

 

APEX                 We can’t go back.

 

CLEO                 Not ever?

 

 

APEX                 That’s the point of running away.

 

 

CLEO                 (ALMOST TO HERSELF)

Running away is not going to fix anything.

 

 

APEX                 It’ll keep us alive.

CLEO                 For how long? They’ll still be there when you get back and even if you never go back, they’re still there. There was a time when running away was all I wanted to do. It still is a bit.

That’s why it’s bloody killing me to say this but… We can’t run. Yeah, home sucks a lot of the time but it’s mine. So many good things happened there. Abby and Shawna, Jordan … The Doctor. I’m even getting on with my mum again. I know what it’s like to be alone and to lose the people you love.

 

APEX                 If I stay, Honour will find me.

 

 

CLEO                 My mum had a guy threaten to break her legs over a debt once. So, she did their accounting for free until the debt was paid. There’s a solution to everything.

 

APEX                 Sounds like your mum just joined a gang.

 

 

CLEO                 Uh… Well she still faced her problems head on. I’m not gonna run away because some TERFy drama teacher can’t see past her own prejudice or cause every guy I date is a cretin or a creep. I’m not letting life just happen to me. Ever again.

 

APEX                 Is this still about me?

 

 

CLEO                 …Mostly? You need to go deal with Honour. What was option number two?

 

APEX                 Option Two is we get Honour a TARDIS.

SCENE 4.9 – INT. OUTSIDE SINGH’S OFFICE

 

FX:                    With a yelp Shawna appears in a long corridor. A woman sits at a desk nearby typing.

 

SHAWNA           (CRIES OUT)

 

RECEPTIONIST Hello. Can I help you? SHAWNA What is this place?

RECEPTIONIST Do you have an appointment? SHAWNA     An –

RECEPTIONIST An appointment. To see Mr Singh. SHAWNA           Yes. Yes I do. I’m here about your break in. RECEPTIONIST You must be from the podcast?

SHAWNA           Yeah, how did you…? RECEPTIONSIT Ms Chandra?

SHAWNA           Ah, yeah, that’s right. I’m Rani Chandra.

 

 

FX                     Keyboard taps. Lanyard handed over.

 

 

RECEPTIONIST Please take a seat. Mr Singh will be with you shortly.

 

 

FX:                    There’s a shout as if coming from a tunnel and Abby too appears.

ABBY                 (YELP)

 

 

SHAWNA           Abby!

 

 

ABBY                 Shawna?! Thank god! You disappeared. I was so scared. RECEPTIONIST Please take a seat…

SHAWNA           (IN) Mr Singh will be with us shortly. Got it.

 

FX:                    Abby and Shawna sit. The receptionist keeps typing.

 

 

SHAWNA           What just happened?

 

 

ABBY                 I think that aisle must have been some sort of portal.

 

SHAWNA           This is definitely the type of place that would have alien artefacts go missing.

FX:                    Shawna’s phone pings. She checks it.

 

 

SHAWNA           And now Cleo texts us back. Look at this.

 

 

ABBY                 Wait. Is she with a guy? Wait. Is she in space? I have so many questions. So many not jealous questions.

 

SHAWNA           Well. We’re in - an interdimensional office. Can I make that look cool?

 

FX                     Phone shuffling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

RECEPTIONIST No pictures please. However, Mr Singh is happy to do an

interview for your podcast.

 

 

ABBY                 He is? That’s great.

 

 

RECEPTIONIST Yes. He’s a big fan of the famous Rani Chandra. ABBY  What?

SHAWNA            (HISSES) Just go with it. RECEPTIONIST Mr Singh will see you now.

SCENE 4.10 – INT. APEX’S SHIP

 

Cleo and Apex are on the ship.

 

APEX                 If we give Honour the TARDIS, she won’t be after us anymore.

 

CLEO                 Well, you aren’t getting that, so move on.

 

 

APEX                 I can’t! The people in the Underground. There’s people there

…people I care about, and they’ll get hurt. She will hurt them.

 

 

CLEO                 Oh now you care? I thought this was about your Daddy Issues?

 

APEX                 It can’t be more than one thing? Where I come from we ignore, people in need, people in trouble. They’re statistics.

We collate their information, and we move on. Their suffering is a digit in a quantum isotopic computer system. I couldn’t sit back and just watch and collect data. People were dying, they were hungry and, with Honour’s money, I had the resources to help them.

 

Cleo’s starting to suspect something.

 

 

CLEO                 You really care about those refugees.

 

 

APEX                 (SULLEN) Little bit. (SMILES) You’re right – running way isn’t going to solve anything.

 

CLEO                 OK [CONSIDERS].

You’re Robin Hood.

 

 

APEX                 The sexy fox?

Cleo laughs, charmed, in spite of herself.

 

CLEO

And you pretended not to get my pop culture references.

APEX

I still don’t know who Gareth Gates is.

CLEO

We’re not giving Honour the TARDIS. But I could try and call the Doctor again. Maybe there’s another solution?

APEX

You’d do that?

CLEO

You’re trying to help people, right?

APEX

If you call the Doctor, maybe we can get Honour off our back.

CLEO

We’ll need all the help we can get. I need my friends.

SCENE 4.11 - INT. SINGH’S OFFICE

 

Abby and Shawna are led into an office. There’s the gentle sound of a fish tank and what could be gentle Deep Forest style music underlying the scene.

 

MR SINGH         Please. Sit, sit.

 

ABBY                 Mr Singh? We’re here…

 

MR SINGH         Because of my robbery. I know… SHAWNA           We haven’t found your thief, not yet, but…

MR SINGH         But you’re here to help me! Ladies, I have been an avid listener of your podcast since it started. Never missed an episode. Now, which one of you is Rani Chandra?

 

ABBY                 (THROWN) Uh.

 

SHAWNA           Neither of us are Rani.

ABBY                 But she sent us! She’s a very busy woman, obviously. SHAWNA Making all that sponcon. Collecting all those awards. ABBY    We are producers on the show. We collect interviews when

Rani is busy. B Roll, that kind of stuff.

 

 

MR SINGH         But this is very important. The Earth is in a lot of danger. A shame she could not come herself. But I was very pleased to feature in her leading podcast and am even happier that her assistants-

 

ABBY & SHAWNA (REACT)

MR SINGH         - are helping me to clear up my robbery. I knew she’d cover it.

That’s what the historical records show.

 

 

SHAWNA           Sorry?

 

 

MR SINGH         We will come to that. Shall we get started?

 

Abby starts recording.

 

ABBY                 We’re now here with Mr Singh, of Singh’s Cash & Carry, who, it seems, was expecting us. So Mr. Singh…

 

SHAWNA           First question…

 

 

MR SINGH         How did you get here? The Cash and Carry in Glasgow is just one portal to my retail dimension.

 

ABBY                 Retail-

 

 

MR SINGH         Real estate prices are only going to get worse. The door is concealed behind an image of an ordinary aisle. This is to stop normal customers from accidently wandering in. You can only get here if you’re trying to get here. To the foremost emporium of alien goods on the black market.

 

ABBY                 Are you -

 

 

MR SINGH         An alien? I’m as human as they come. ABBY       But you seem to know a lot about alien stuff

MR SINGH         Artefacts. I’m not from your time. I come from an Earth thousands of years in the future. It’s a nice little earner: stuff from now is worth a mint in the future, and stuff from then is very helpful for a certain type of person now. You get me? My shop is a place for those people, to come… and sell me their goods for a fair price.

 

ABBY                 You’re a pawnbroker?

 

 

MR SINGH         I sell them their items back for a slightly higher… but equally fair price. It’s a service. I’ve kept the London Underground going –

 

SHAWNA           The…

 

 

MR SINGH                          You’ll find out. SHAWNA                          Oh.

MR SINGH         The problem is the thief has cleaned me out. Everything gone.

Bad for business. Very dangerous. It’s why you are here. ABBY   If you’re from the future, why can’t you just find the thief?

MR SINGH         To be honest only a few records of your time are left. Most got [MUMBLES] destroyed.

 

SHAWNA           What? When?

 

 

MR SINGH         No need to worry about it, love, you’ll be long dead before any of that happens.

 

SHAWNA           WHAT?!

 

 

MR SINGH         In happier news, you are here! Because I know you will find the thief for me.

 

ABBY                 You do?

 

MR SINGH         The details are hazy, but you will. This thief has got to be stopped. It’s not just me, you see. Everyone I know has been raided. Some really dangerous artefacts have been stolen.

Enough to start an interstellar war.

 

 

SHAWNA           But how do we stop them?

 

 

MR SINGH         I can’t tell you that. But I can say that you will break hearts.

The interview is over, Ms Thompson, Ms McPhail.

 

 

SHAWNA           (SURPRISED HE KNOWS THEIR NAMES) Wait-what?

 

 

MR SINGH         You’ll be needing the door on the left. It’s the London exit. ABBY   The London exit? What? How?

MR SINGH         Make things right with your friend. She needs you.

 

 

ABBY                 Before we go have you got a better print out of that CCTV image? The face is just a blur.

 

MR SINGH         Primitive technology. I have since cleaned it up a little. Here. I think it will tell you all you need to know.

 

FX                     He slides a photo along the desk.

 

 

ABBY                 Shawna – look at this. The Thief…

 

 

SHAWNA           Oh my god.

SCENE 4.12 – EXT. CLEO’S FLAT

 

 

FX:                    Sounds of a teleporter as Cleo and Apex arrive outside Cleo’s flat.

 

 

 

APEX                 Here we are.

 

 

CLEO                 Home Sweet Home. ABBY/SHAWNA [FROM AFAR] Cleo!?

 

FX:                    Abby and Shawna running up.

 

 

CLEO                 Abby? Shawna? Did you get my DM? Where’ve you been? SHAWNA          (RUNNING UP) Long story – oh.

APEX                 Hi… I’m Apex Costa. You must be Abby and Shawna. Big fan of the podcast.

 

CLEO                 So glad you’re here. The Blue Box Files is about to go intergalactic.

 

SHAWNA           Listen- [there’s something you should know] APEX  We really need your help.

CLEO                 Absolutely. Come inside! Imma need a brew before we unpack all this. I have had the longest day and did I mention I’ve been to space?

 

SHAWNA           But-

 

ABBY                 Tea sounds nice.

SCENE 4.13- INT. CLEO’S FLAT

 

 

FX:                    Cleo is in the kitchen. Boiling kettle. Abby and Shawna and Apex are all together.

 

 

 

CLEO                 (CALLING THROUGH) Find a bit of sofa with no pants on it and sit down. I won’t be a second.

 

FX:                    Abby, Shawna and Apex sit.

 

 

SHAWNA           So. Apex.

 

 

APEX                 Yes.

 

 

SHAWNA           You’re an alien?

 

 

APEX                 Yes.

 

 

SHAWNA           Been on Earth long? APEX    I come and go.

ABBY                 Been to Scotland?

 

APEX                  “Scot-land”?

 

 

ABBY                 Recently? Like last night.

 

 

APEX                 Er.

 

SHAWNA           (LOW) We. Know. Who. You. Are. APEX  Listen-

 

 

FX                     Cleo comes in with tea.

 

 

CLEO                 Here we go. I’ve checked and the oat milk hasn’t gone off while I’ve been in space. There I am again. Space!

 

SHAWNA           Cheers.

 

 

ABBY                 There’s something you have to know-

 

CLEO                 We need your help. Apex is on the run from a mad woman called Honour Bray.

 

ABBY                 Listen, Cleo. We’ve been on the trail of this thief who steals alien stuff.

 

CLEO                 Amazing. So. Apex and I have a plan.

 

 

APEX                 (WEAK) Wait…

 

 

ABBY                 Cleo we need to show you something.

 

 

APEX                 Honour could be on her way now. We need to call the Doctor first. There’s a lot of lives on the line.

 

CLEO                 Ok. But I don’t how long it will take for them to come. The Doctor’s not exactly a Chatty Cathy on texts.

 

APEX                 They have to come now!

SHAWNA           Cleo. We need to show you a picture of the thief. CLEO   No. Apex is right. I’ll call the Doctor.

 

ABBY                 Before you do that, the picture-

 

 

CLEO                 (ENOUGH) Guys. Please.

 

FX:                    Apex stands

 

APEX                 Look. You need to catch up. And I need to get gone. Like, now.

 

CLEO                 What about me?

 

APEX                 Can you get the Doctor here, now? Yes or no? CLEO     I don’t know. No.

APEX                 Then I have no choice. I’ve got to go. The refugees and you are more important than me, Cleo. Bye.

 

CLEO                 Wait!

 

FX:                    He teleports out.

 

 

SHAWNA           OK, what the actual hell was that? Did he just Star Trek out of here?

 

ABBY                 Shawna…! Cleo, are you OK?

 

 

CLEO                 [LIES] Yeah. I’m fine. Um, he just…he’ll be back in a bit. (TO HERSELF) We agreed we’d sort it together. (BRIGHT) I think you guys chased him off.

 

ABBY                 (BREAKING IT GENTLY) The thing is. The thief. Who has been raiding alien stuff. We have a photo of him.

CLEO                 I’ve got to phone the Doctor. We need to save Apex.

 

 

SHAWNA           Here’s the photo.

 

FX                      Shawna slides the photo over. Cleo is fiddling with her phone.

CLEO                 Whatever. Saving Apex here. SHAWNA         (LOSING IT) The thief is Apex!

 

A very significant pause.

 

 

ABBY                 Cleo...

 

 

CLEO                 What? No! It can’t be him.

 

 

ABBY                 How much do you actually know about him? CLEO    (INDIGNANT) It’s not him. Just a bit like him. SHAWNA         Cleo! Come on…

CLEO                 Well…OK. But look, it’s not what you think. He’s not who you think. He’s a sexy fox.

 

ABBY                 I beg your pardon? SHAWNA   You knew he’s a thief?

CLEO                 (TRIGGERED) You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Sure, Apex has an open-relationship with the truth, but you’re forgetting he’s helping a bunch of alien refugees.

SHAWNA           So he has lied to you?

 

 

CLEO                 For good reasons. It’s complicated, okay? ABBY   He’s dangerous.

SHAWNA           No wonder he was in such a hurry to leave. He’s a crook, babe.

 

CLEO                 This is so typical. I am being gaslit again. ABBY   What?

CLEO                 It happens all the time! Hello! The rats! You two telling me what to think. There must be a reason for all this. Apex is chaotic good, okay? I know him.

 

SHAWNA           Do you?

 

 

CLEO                 Yes! I finally have someone who likes me for me and you’re both immediately calling him dangerous. If he was so evil, why did he ask me to run away with him after knowing me for a day?

 

SHAWNA           Red flag much?

 

 

CLEO                 Where were you two when I wanted to investigate the rats?

The only person who helped me was Apex.

 

ABBY                 Okay I’m sorry, it just didn’t seem believable.

 

CLEO                 Exactly, cause I’m here for the lolz you don’t take me seriously.

SHAWNA           We take you as seriously as you take yourself.

 

Gasps all round.

 

ABBY                 Shawna… that’s not helping.

 

 

SHAWNA           She’s defending some guy she met a day ago over her best friends. We get it, you’re lonely, he’s cute, and it’s scrambled your head.

 

CLEO                 Lonely? Maybe that’s because my best friends have been ignoring me for months!

 

ABBY                 Shawna, Cleo! Stop it!

 

 

CLEO                 Wow OK. [BEAT] I’m gonna take my desperate, needy butt out for a walk. You can see yourselves out.

 

FX                     Cleo storms out, slamming the door.

SCENE 4.14 – EXT. STREET

 

FX:                    Front door slams as CLEO exits, very upset.

 

CLEO                 I can’t believe she said that…

 

APEX                 Hi.

 

CLEO                 Apex!

 

 

APEX                 Cleo, are you crying? Are you okay?

 

 

CLEO                 Oh my god. No, I’m fine. What are you doing? You left. APEX    I couldn’t.

CLEO                 But…but Abby and Shawna said…

APEX                 What did they say?

 

 

CLEO                 You know exactly what they said.

 

 

APEX                 I’m a thief. Yeah. Everything I’ve done, I did for the people in London Underground. You’ve been there. You know they need supplies. That’s what I was doing.

 

CLEO                 Every single instinct in me is telling me to get as far away from you as possible, but…

 

APEX                 I couldn’t walk away from you either.

 

CLEO                 No more running?

 

 

APEX                 You feel this right?

 

 

CLEO                 I feel…this is very awkward.

 

 

APEX                 No. No more jokes, just be real.

 

 

CLEO                 [PAUSE] But real is scary.

 

 

APEX                 I’m OK with that. Can I..?

 

Apex kisses her.

 

CLEO                 Kissing in the moonlight, how cheesy.

 

APEX                 Yeah, but er…

 

He kisses her again.

 

 

The music builds into a gleefully Whovian, alien symphony of synths and electric keyboard that cuts off into piano that continues under the rest of the credits.

 

 

END CREDITS    Doctor Who: Redacted. Episode Four. Spaceman by Karissa Hamilton-Baines. Starring Charlie Craggs as Cleo Proctor, Lois Chimimba Abby Mcphail, Holly Quin-Ankrah Shawna Thompson, Freddy Carter Apex Costa, Dervla Kirwan Honour Bray, Irvine Iqbal as Mr Singh and Denica Fairman as receptionist. Directed by Bethany Weimers, Producer James Goss, Sound design by Thea Cochrane, Original Composition by David Devereux. A BBC Studios Production for BBC Sounds.