The power of 'alternative' compliments

Compliments can be a great pick-me-up on a bad day.

Receiving compliments can give you a nice morale boost, and giving them can also make you feel good. But sometimes a compliment can unintentionally draw attention to something very personal and potentially difficult for the recipient, especially when it comes to looks.

So how else can you compliment someone? We spoke to the experts about the power of alternative compliments, how to give them and why they can make all the difference.

Why other compliments can be helpful

As part of a 2018 study by Sacred Heart University in the US, participants were asked to rate how meaningful different types of compliments were in a survey. Compliments on personality were rated most meaningful over any other category, including appearance-based compliments.

Dr Paul Farrand from the University of Exeter says compliments about looks can be useful in some contexts: “People invest a lot of energy, money and time in their appearance and many wish that to be recognised by others.

“The overall message is that giving or receiving compliments can be really helpful and serve a very functional role in social groupings, friendships, etc.”

But sometimes they can be unhelpful. For example, if someone has lost a lot of weight and you think they look good, complimenting them on it could be drawing attention to a very personal issue. If they’ve lost weight because they’ve been struggling with their mental well-being, they might not want to be reminded of that.

Professor Farzana Shain from Goldsmiths College, University of London points out appearance-based compliments can sometimes enforce certain standards which can be uncomplimentary to certain groups.

“The way we give compliments can be gendered as well as reflecting certain cultural standards of beauty and appearance,” she says.

For example, girls are often told they’re ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’, whereas compliments towards boys often focus on physique or demeanour (e.g. “you look muscular/strong/smart,”). While it might be nice to hear, it can also be limiting and can potentially reinforce unconscious gender biases.

“If girls are repeatedly praised for being ‘pretty’ or ‘beautiful’, they may perceive themselves or girls in general to be ‘not so clever’ and feel they have to work much harder than boys to achieve success,” says Professor Shain. “Compliments based on certain ideas of femininity and masculinity can serve to marginalise those with fluid gender identities.”

Everyone is different

Likewise, it might be useful to consider how compliments might reinforce certain standards by including or excluding certain groups.

Professor Shain says this feeds into a process known as ‘othering’. This is when individuals or groups of people are considered to have less desirable characteristics based on factors such as race, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic status (class), disability, sexuality and skin tone.

“Comments about hair can be an issue for girls who are perceived to be different. For example, if girls around them are being complimented on their hair, we could ask how this feels for girls who wear hijab,” says Professor Shain. “When black girls are complimented about their hair with a request to touch it, this can also reinforce a sense of difference and contribute to racism.”

But this doesn’t just apply to appearance-based compliments; it can relate to someone’s skills (“You throw well for a girl.”), presentation (“You’re pretty when you wear makeup!”) or even how they talk.

“When young black and minority people are praised for being ‘articulate’ it can also inadvertently reproduce racist stereotypes - because why would they not be articulate?”

Professor Shain advises complimenting people in a more neutral way, such as focusing on their achievements. For example, you could say something like, “Your throwing has really improved!”

Alternative compliments you can give

Of course, when done in a considerate way, complimenting someone on their appearance can have a positive impact on the recipient. If someone feels a bit different because of an aspect of their appearance and you think it’s beautiful, it can be a lovely thing to tell them so and give them a confidence boost. But there are different ways you can give compliments.

Rather than compliment someone on something they can’t change, you might focus on their efforts instead. For example, instead of saying “You’re so pretty!”, you could say “I love how you’ve done your makeup,”, so that it’s less about their looks and more about how they’ve chosen to present themselves.

Likewise, rather than say “You’re so smart!”, which suggests their smartness is a trait they can’t change, you could say, “You work so hard!”. This way the person is complimented for the work they put in. It seems like a subtle thing, but it makes a world of difference. It’s all about leaving room for choice.

Other alternative compliments you can give

• I love how you see the good in everyone
• You’re a good friend
• I admire your strength
• I love how you’ve put your outfit together
• I'm very proud of your work

Make it about you!

In fact, saying “I love” or “I admire” before a statement is a powerful thing, as it shifts the pressure of them upholding a standard to what you enjoy about their personality and skills. For example, “I love your passion for art,” instead of “You’re a great artist,” leaves room for them to have an off-day… and they can’t respond, by saying: “No I’m not!”

You could even give a compliment about how they make you feel. For example you might say, “I can be myself around you.” This implies lots of things about your relationship and can make the other person feel good about how they make you feel.

Or you could also give them a small gift, or a call or show you appreciate them. Letting someone know you're thinking of them can be a big compliment in itself.

If you or someone you know is affected by any of the issues mentioned, you can find support from Bitesize here.