Why some gay men still fear kissing in public
- Published
As the UK’s first gay male dating show I Kissed A Boy airs on BBC Three, gay men discuss some of the discrimination they’ve faced for their sexuality.
“I’m always very conscious of who is around and trying to make sure what I’m doing doesn’t draw too much attention.”
Subomi says being a gay man can mean he’s sometimes guarded in public when meeting people he doesn’t know.
The 29-year-old, who is taking part in the UK’s first gay male dating show I Kissed A Boy, remembers at least one instance of being harassed in public, when he was on a busy train on the way home from a concert with his sister.
“The guy opposite us was staring me down,” Subomi says, adding that the man then began to rant about gay people. He even asked Subomi: “Is your family proud of you?”
A May 2023 BBC Three-commissioned poll, of 501 gay men over 16 years old, suggests 55% of respondents have experienced discrimination in public because they are gay.
And 53% of gay men say they have experienced some sort of discrimination while engaging in public displays of affection - 38% while kissing with a partner.
This comes amid a year-on-year rise in hate crimes in which sexual orientation was a factor. In 2017/2018, 11,592 homophobic hate crimes were recorded by the police. According to the latest available government figures for 2021/2022, this figure had more than doubled to 26,152., external
The poll also looks at other issues facing gay men, such as dating, relationships and discrimination within the gay community. Three out of five of gay men polled say they have experienced discrimination from other gay men - the most common reason being because of how their body looks (40%).
But Subomi, from London, says being around gay men while making I Kissed A Boy, hosted by singer Dannii Minogue, meant he was “more comfortable than I’ve felt in a lot of places before”.
Subomi felt 'anxiety' when his first partner wanted to be affectionate in public
‘A lot of anxiety’
In the poll, most gay men say they are comfortable with sitting close to a partner (62%) or hugging (54%) in public, but almost four in 10 say they are uncomfortable with holding hands with their partner in public.
Mars, a 20-year-old gay man from Leicester, remembers worrying about holding a former partner’s hand, calling it a “no-no”.
“In my hometown, it’s still a conservative place. It was always hard to be visibly queer. People stare at you. It’s so annoying, because straight people walk around doing everything and anything.”
Subomi agrees - and remembers having “a lot of anxiety” when a former partner wanted to be affectionate in public.
“But now it’s not an issue for me as much as it used to be,” he says. “When it’s going to happen, you’re still very much like, ‘Oh, who’s around?’ But I’m much more comfortable now.”
Will has received verbal abuse on the streets of Brighton
Will, 22, lives in Brighton, considered by many to be the unofficial gay capital of the UK. He says that even there, “it’s not perfect. I will be standing at a bus stop and people will say things as they walk past me.”
Referring to the poll results Stonewall's Robbie de Santos says: "These concerning figures are another reminder of the rising hate that LGBTQ+ people are facing. All of us, no matter our sexual orientation or gender identity, should be able to go about our daily lives free from violence and hate."
I Kissed A Boy cast member Mikey, however, is a gay man who says he has not experienced discrimination in public. “I’ve been really lucky actually because I’ve never really suffered any homophobic abuse,” says the Liverpool native.
And the poll suggests three out of five gay men agreed they experience less discrimination now than in the past - and four out of five that the UK has become more accepting towards gay people in the last 10 years.
Mars was uncomfortable showing affection to a partner in his hometown of Leicester
‘Our community can be the most discriminating’
Within the gay community, Wayne, 37, says he’s been discriminated against at different times by other gay men for his age and body type. He’s also been criticised for being both too masculine and too feminine.
“I can’t change who I am,” he says.
• Census data reveals LGBT+ populations for first time
Mars adds that, in his view, this discrimination is particularly bad for gay men of colour.
“In the London dating scene, there is so much fetishisation,” he says. “There’s such an [expectation] of hyper-masculinity for black gay men.
“It is amazing that our community, which is a minority, can be the most discriminating.”
Meanwhile, a third of poll respondents say their experiences of dating apps have been positive, 15% say they have been negative and half say their experiences were equally positive and negative.
Subomi met his first serious boyfriend on a dating app, and says “there are people that are genuine, that you can have great conversations with, and you can meet great people”.
Polling company Walnut, external interviewed an online sample of 501 UK adults aged 16+ who identify as gay men between 5 and 12 May 2023. Age and geographical quotas were set to ensure a representative sample. At the analysis stage, data were weighted by age.
Sources of support are available via the BBC Action Line.
I Kissed A Boy airs Sundays and Mondays on BBC Three and BBC iPlayer.