Yes Harry's back. But not until 21 June. Which makes it kind of strange that a walker ambling by the print-works this week found two copies of the novel dumped in a field and, obviously, sent them to the Sun.

But The State We're In can exclusively reveal that, along with the books, there may have been a list of ideas that JK Rowling rejected...

Harry Pothead

Spoilt public school royal goes on a series of bizarre trips. Without ever leaving his dorm. If you see what I mean.

Harry Pitta

Set in Greece, hero travels around on mouldy kebab seeking the 'Chilli-Sauceror's Stone'.

Mary Splutter

Heroine escapes clutches of Chinese villains only to contaminate all her classmates at Hogwarts with the Sars virus. 'What a wheeze!'

Hurried Plotter

Set in military training school, Major Plotter fails to break into the Chamber of Secrets and take the coveted prize. (Published, Celador, price £132.50.)

Hammad al-Pottah

Iraqi version, edited by Information Minister Saeed al-Sahhaf. Character is victorious almost immediately, all dangerous situations described in original text dismissed as 'absolute lies'.